I just realized that I have a blog. Here's a rant/poem that I wrote earlier tonight... i think it's one of those that's best spoken aloud....
Hello
She says out to the night
Hello
Again, only the radio responds
I am here
I am waiting
I’m ready
She looks around – nothing happens the night continues to surround and the descend upon the day that both was and wasn’t
And in her heart she is still looking
And in her soul she knows that
I sit here and i am me
I am still this entity that liked fried chicken when she was wee and her mommy brought it home in a blue moon cycle on a bucket riding in grease
And the stars still enthral me and i still would like to understand eternity
And I have longings, cravings for the company of a sole soul companion and that person to talk to who makes it all worthwhile and beautiful
And all these differences and all this thought and these ways still make my mind flow in waves as i try to catch the tide on its way in, i slip back unnoticed among my school of fish having visited others
Wondering about this purpole stripe that had always made me me.
And the tears flowing in the bathroom
A grown woman? 27 runs into the washroom still to let the ducts flow out and away carrying the large open swelling wound that is her relation with her mother
Sometimes we seem so fine and normal, we can talk and sort of converse
But i’m still so hurt so confused inside from the why – as a child, why is she so mean, and now as we grow as I am able to choose my response, why am i so difficult too
Why i respond with an anger steeped in a covered heart, in blame, containing my pain
...
And bringing myself, my feet down, to touch the ground. The solid earth
I can’t quite describe the feeling of being alien, outside the body, stuck so far in the mind, the world of ideas and thinking believing trying trying trying to see something bigger, to understand some picture outside my daily life, and all the extended aspects of this life, my life is inherently connected to the lives and thoughts of all these other people. Politicians, making decisions, practices and established patterns
What we look for, is what I find
Where among the taut elastic of my interactions my circle of influence up to the place where decisions are being made that influence the planet, our existence
And she calls out again. God? Hello, i’mhere
I’M WONDERING WHAT IT ALL MEANS. I’m ready to hear you. I’m always willing (she is learning to stop listening to the voice that asks, but are you? Are you taking enough risks, are you uncomfortable enough, are you really willing to do anything? What about leaving everything you’ve got, maybe that’s what you should do --- the one that says if you’re not suffering you’re not doing good )
Cause I feel strongly that there’s some evolution of which we are a part. And i know on some level, maybe from things that i have read, that it’s up to us to dream a better future. That our practices can evolve and will improve. That collectively we are learning something. That these challenges are food
Of course it must be noted, that it’s more than our minds – these changes will show in our relations, in our spaces, in our use of our hearts and whole bodies
